The Art of Cooking Out

You can read what Pablo Neruda had to say about this subject in his "Ode to an Onion."

The secret is in the wrist, just as in everything in the kitchen. Here's my "fool"-proof guide to a successful barbeque (substitute veggie meat in lieu of any carcass if you do not enjoy munching on dead animals):

1. Pick a grill or place your mobile grill in a shady place, so you don't end up grilled yourself.
2. Pour a generous amount of lighter fluid in the base of the grill, ensuring an even burn below.
3. Get a good brand of charcoal. Cheap charcoal deceives you by burning fast . . . and then it's gone.
4. Don't pile on too much charcoal. Trust me, you don't want to look down at your arm and notice that half of your arm hairs are charred. . .
5. Make sure your meat is well tenderized, about six hours before the actual cooking. If not, you might as well save time and buy Jerky.
6. When you place your meat on the grill, make sure they are close to the middle, and DON'T overcook. If not, might as well buy Jerky.
7. Make sure there is enough meat for EVERYONE. People turn into mindless meat eating monsters really easily.
8. For you vegetarians making a Portobello mushroom instead, cook gills up for Seven minutes, drain, turn over and cook gills down for five minutes. Any less and you might as well pick a fresh mushroom. Any more and you might as well eat some of the charcoal.
9. If you for some reason skipped number 1, apply sunscreen. You're probably feeling the sun right about now.
10. Hey, only turn the meat once. I don't know if you already turned it, and if you haven't, not yet. Not until this side is cooked right. Like a pancake. If you turn many times, might as well buy Jerky.
11. The fire is perfect for cooking other things, too. Grill chicken, veggies, wrap potatoes in aluminum foil and make "baked" potatoes, and if you don't watch out, you can end up with grilled fingers.
12. Make sure you have a covered container to put the meat in, and a flyswatter close by. Those are pesky bugs. . .
13. If you didn't follow number 1, put a cap on. Your nose will thank you later.
14. Keep water close by. The heat of the sun plus the grill is overwhelming. Especially if you didn't remember number 1.
15. Remember number 6 for the other side of the meat as well!
16. Poke and fan the coals regularly. If not, your food won't cook evenly and it will take ten years to cook.
17. Serve (and eat!) hot. If not, might as well buy Jerky.